Nice Guy In Hiding

When I was in my Freshman year of high school a mess up with my schedule put me in an Acting 101 class.  I didn't want this class and had never signed up for it so I went to my school counselor to get it dropped and get me reassigned to something more my speed like Wallflower 101 or something.  My school counselor told me that it was probably caused by a computer foul up and that I should just take the class and "Hey you might like it".  Now I was raised at a time when children were told to respect their elders, keep their mouths shut and do as you are told.  So I accepted the counselors lame excuse of a computer error put my tail between my legs and went to acting class.  For someone such as myself a shy person new to high school this was not an easy thing to do.  The class wasn't that difficult as most of it was the teacher showing us how to do pantomime and then calling students up to the front of the class to act out something that she gives us.  One of my first assignments was to pretend I was mowing a lawn.  Now I had mowed many a lawn in my time because it was my responsibility at my house to keep our yard in tip top shape so I knew how to mow a lawn.  Also being somewhat creative rather than just pretend I was walking up and down and pushing a mower I also pretended like I was filling it up with gas and having trouble getting it to start and had to pull the cord numerous times.  The teacher applauded my creativity and a star was born.  Well not quite.  Towards the end of the semester we were all assigned a scene from an actual play to do and given a co-star.  This was suppose to be our final exam.  I was assigned to do a love scene with a very pretty girl in the class, also a freshman.  This made me very nervous.  First of all, she was as, I mentioned, a hottie and I was tall, skinny and pimply faced.  In other words a nerd, a geek, a dork, a nottie.  Whatever word you want to call it that was me.  I am sure my lovely co-star in the scene was not the least bit thrilled with doing a love scene with me.  To add to my problems is the scene contained a part where I was to help her sit on a wall and then kiss her.  This was at a time in my life when I had never had a girlfriend and certainly had never even kissed a girl so you can imagine the anxiousness I was feeling.  Add to that was the fact that the scene had about 5 pages of dialogue that I had to remember.  I have never had to memorize so much stuff in my life and wasn't sure how I was going to do it.  So everyday I showed up for class and rehearsed my scene with the curvy brunette and every time we got to the part where I was to kiss her we skipped over it and moved on with never a word being said.  As our Christmas break approached and I was looking forward to two weeks off the teacher announced that we would all be doing our scenes the first day we get back.  What a way to ruin two weeks off from school.  I was in full panic mode.  How in the world was I going to memorize five pages of dialogue?  The only thing I could think of was repetition.  So I read my script.  Every day.  As often as I could.  Sometimes as many as 10 times a day.  The whole thing, both parts.  I didn't ask my family for help for fear that they would make fun of me for doing a love scene let alone being in acting class at all.  On the first day back from break, which began by me throwing up in the bathroom in the morning, the teacher started calling people up one by one to do their scene.  We had no idea in what order she was calling people so we all had to be prepared.  Part of me wanted to go first and get it over with but also part of me was relieved when she kept skipping over my name.  Towards the end of the class we finally got the call.  We both went up on the stage and just stared at each other for a second as if to day "Holy Crap!  What have we gotten ourselves into?"  My beautiful co-star looked at me smiled and said her first line.  Then I said mine.  Then she spoke.  Then I spoke and the next thing we knew we were acting out our scene.  We had a rhythm going and after a while I completely forgot their was an audience and we were on a stage.  We were just talking to each other.  As if the words were true.  As if they meant something to us.  We nailed our lines.  Got everyone right.  My idea of studying by repetition worked.  When we finished we both looked at the audience and got much applause.  To our surprise the audience had doubled while we were up on stage.  It seemed the bell rang while we were acting and neither of us noticed and we kept right on going and the teacher didn't stop us.  The audience was no longer just our class but the next one too and their teacher.  I ended up getting an A in the class but decided that the whole experience complete with vomiting and anxiety attacks was not for me.  As for the kiss.  Well when we got to that point in the script I looked at her and paused for a second and she looked at me as if to say "not a chance dork" then she said her next line and I mine and we skipped right over just like we had in practice.  So my first kiss was just going to have wait awhile.

Recently I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile.  It was a nice time as we ate junk food and got caught up in where we are in our lives.  Inevitably, I guess, we got around to health issues and we both talked about recent doctor visits and how we are health wise.  As I drove home from the dinner I thought to myself "Man, how did it come to this?"  Where you meet and old friend for dinner and you end up talking about the results of your latest colonoscopy.  "Oh my God," I thought, "is this how you know you are getting old?"  The more I thought about it the more I got scared.  There were other signs of old age creeping up on me and staring me in the face and I didn't realize it until now. 

-  I started shopping at WalMart because a breakfast bar I like is sold there 50 cents cheaper than the place I usually buy them.

-  When choosing what food to purchase I usually look to see if it is a low fat - high fiber product.

-  I drink only diet beverages with the occasional Classic Coke a special treat instead of an every day drink.

-  Every Sunday I go through the ads in the newspapers looking for deals on items I need to buy and I find myself cutting out coupons and using them when I go shopping.

-  I was over charged by $10 on an item at the store but didn't realize it until I got home and looked at my receipt.  I went back the next day and complained and got my $10 back.

-  I got mad the other day when I was driving and some kids were walking down the middle of the street on their way to school instead of using the sidewalk forcing me to drive very slowly and wait patiently as they seemed to go out of their way to walk slowly because they knew it was irritating me.

-  While I enjoy listening to new music by new new artists I don't think any of today's music is as good as the stuff I listened to as a kid.  Can anything compare to The Beatles, The Who, Marvin Gaye and the The Rolling Stones?

-  I think my tighty whitey underpants are the most comfortable underwear I have. 

-  I think there is way too much violence and sex on TV, at the movies and in video games and it is corrupting our youth.  It saddens me when I find out a 10 year old knows what sex is.  That is too soon.

-  While at work I got up from my desk to do something and once I got out of my office I forgot what it was I was going to do.  So I turned around went back to my desk and then it came to me 5 minutes later.  So then I got up a second time to do it and did it.

-  I have gotten into the habit of making lists before I go shopping because more and more I found myself forgetting to buy things I needed and then having to make a 2nd trip.  The list system works except when I forget the list at home or lose it and don't realize it until I am in the store.  When that happens I am on my own and invariably I will forget something I needed and have to go back and make a second trip.

-  I think it is ridiculous to pay big bucks for a shirt at a fancy store that has their name on it when a T-Shirt at WalMart is much cheaper and works just as well.

-  I think boys walking around with their pants really low and showing their underwear is a stupid look.

Still all is not lost.  While making this list I thought of some things that while may not make me young, make me young at heart.

-  Yes, Tighty Whiteys are comfortable but I still enjoy wearing boxers with cartoon characters on them.  It makes me smile.

-  I watched the Spongebob Squarepants movie on Nickelodeon the other night and found myself laughing out loud on numerous occasions.  It was the third time I have seen it.  My favorite scene is when Patrick is pantsed by Spongebob when the Princess shows up.  Embarrassed Patrick pulls his pants up and asks the Princess if she saw his underwear.  The princess says no.  Patrick then asks her if she wants to.  That scene never fails to make me laugh.

-  The next day after watching the movie I got out my copy of the video game and started playing it again. 

-  While I think there is too much sex and violence out there that is corrupting kids I also think that censorship is not the answer and that parents need to do a better job of using the tools that are available to them to lock their kids out of things they shouldn't see.  All TV's have V-Chips, cable boxes video game consoles have parental control built into them.   Parents should learn how to use them.

-  I still like to wear T-Shirts with cartoon characters and rock stars on them. 

-  I still giggle like a little school boy when ever someone says anything that sounds even remotely like a sexual innuendo, like when you find out that some ones name is Dick Hertz.

-   I still read the comics in the paper every day.

-  I get excited when a new Sci-Fi/Monster movie is coming out.  I am really looking forward to the new Star Trek movie.

-  The main pair of shoes I have are gym shoes.  I wear those most of the time.

-  I still laugh when I see a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

So while I may be turning into an old man in some ways, there is still a little bit of the boy in me and I hope it stays that way for a long time.

On Thanksgiving day, as I was driving to a house to have dinner, I passed by a local Best Buy and was dismayed to see people in tents getting ready to spend the night on the sidewalk so that they can be first in line to shop the next day which has now because known as Black Friday.  The next day I saw people interviewed at the stores on TV and they talked about staying out all night so that they can get the great deals, most of which, from what I saw people buying was big expensive TV's.  The people talked about saving $200 dollars or so on their purchases and that it was worth spending most of Thanksgiving day on a cold sidewalk to so that they could get their deals the next day.  I wanted to ask them was it really worth it?  Was it worth spending a holiday on a sidewalk away from your family just to buy a TV?  Isn't your time valuable to you?  Especially time spent away from family?  I wanted to tell them that things cannot bring you happiness.  That looking for joy in shopping and buying is just going to cause you to end up deeper in debt and still unhappy.  Lord knows I am as guilty as anyone in loving my toys and especially my TV but I know that I would give them all up for some happiness.  I also know that I would never give up family time to sleep on a sidewalk to buy a TV or anything else.  My time is more valuable than that.  Did I do some Black Friday shopping?  Sure, on the Internet on Amazon.com at about 6 in the morning while still in my PJ's.  That is the way to shop for me.

One day, during the summer, after spending a long day at work in a cold air conditioned office staring at a computer, I came home to a beautiful evening.  The sun was still out, the weather was warm but not too hot and as I got undressed I decided not to spend my evening sitting an in air conditioned house staring at a TV but instead I should go for a bike ride.  So I put on some shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt, since I knew I would be working up a sweat and didn't want to wear anything too warm.  I put on some ankle sweat socks, my new favorite.  I hate socks that go half way up the calf.  And I also put on some tight underwear to keep the "boys" from moving around while I rode.  I didn't want anything to get hurt down there from sitting on the bike seat which are very uncomfortable for guys no matter how much padding the seat has.    Ready to go on my ride I made two decisions, one was not to wear my bike helmet.  I decided this because I was just riding in the neighborhood, not going far, and thought what was the worst that could happen.  My second decision was to ride to the local department store and pick up a new video game that had come out.  This made sense because then I wouldn't feel bad about spending my evening staring at a TV and playing a game in an air conditioned house if I had gotten some exercise prior to doing so.  The one problem was I had to cross a busy street during rush hour traffic and I wondered if it was smart to try do it.  But I decided that as long as I was careful I should be okay.  After all I am a grown man and surely I can figure out how to cross a street without getting hit. So properly dressed, water bottle in hand, I got on my bike and set out for my summer evening adventure.  I crossed the busy street, no problem, took a back way to the store to make the ride a little longer, and made it uneventfully.  I bought the game I wanted and walked around the store some more just to window shop a bit.  Leaving the store I hopped on my bike and headed back home.  This time I took the straight route home, since I was anxious to play my new game.  When I came up to the busy street I stopped, and looked both ways. The cars were coming fast and furious but I saw a light changing to red down the road and knew that meant traffic was going to thin out for awhile but not for long.  The road was clear except for one car, an SUV, to my left that was slowing down and had its right turn signal on.  Thinking the car was turning I decided that this was my opportunity to cross so I got on my bike and started to pedal across and that is when it happened.  Out of the corner of my left eye I saw the SUV headed straight for me.  The car that I thought was turning didn't after all.  The driver slammed on his breaks and narrowly missed hitting my rear tire.  I hurriedly rode across the street and made it home.  Parking my bike in the garage I went in the house and sat down.  I was shaking.  Scared you know what less.  I ran the whole thing through my mind and I thought how in the world did misread that situation.  I could have sworn the car was slowing down and had its turn signal on.  Was I wrong?  Did I miss it?  Did I see something that wasn't there?  No, I thought if the driver wasn't slowing down he would have rammed into me right away.  The fact that I was actually part way across and he almost hit my rear tire told me that.  But still I screwed up.  I should have waited until he actually turned but in my haste to cross I didn't.  I would have been killed had he hit me.  I was wearing no helmet and practically no clothes.  I seriously doubt my tight undies would have protected the "boys" much from being hit by an SUV.   I realized that me dying isn't a big deal.  I have nothing and really am just a blip on the screen if that much.  I have no wife, no children, nothing that depends on me so I doubt I would have even made the obits in the paper had I been killed.  Still I was shaken. I thought about it all night and for days afterward.  I didn't even play the video game I bought that night.  I have yet to ride my bike again.

I went to the store the other day and upon checkout, after scanning all of my items, the cashier asked me if I had anything else to scan.  I said "No".  She said "you are all done shopping then?"  Confused I said "yes".  She then asked me "what was in my basket?"  I looked down and there was some shampoo I forgot to put in the belt to be scanned.  "Oh no" I said.  "I missed that one.  Sorry."  She looked at me and gave me a half-assed smile and said "uh huh".  I gave her the item and paid for everything took my stuff and left.  I was embarrassed that I had forgotten the shampoo but was kind of pissed off that the cashier acted like I had forgotten it on purpose. I mean really if I was going to steal something would it be shampoo?  Maybe people do.  I don't know but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing worth stealing.  Nowadays every time you walk into a store you are treated like a like a crook even though you haven't done anything.  All stores now have those big scanners at the door that alert everybody in the vicinity with a loud beeping noise if you leave with something that hasn't had the security tag removed or deactivated.  I always hate that when I buy a video game or a CD or something and the cashier doesn't properly deactivate it and it sets off the alarm when I go to leave.  I use to stop and wait until somebody gives me the go ahead to leave.  Sometimes they will take your item, have you walk pass the scanner and if it doesn't beep give you your stuff back and send you on your way.  It is like getting through an airport just to leave the store.  Do they want to strip search me too?  Pat me down?  Grope me?  It happens so often now I have learned to just keep on walking and ignore the beep.  If there is a security guard there I will stop otherwise I keep walking.  I know I paid and if they want me they can come get me.  I always hate it when those beeps go off and everybody turns to look at me as if they want to get a glimpse of the shoplifter.  It seems like stores are getting worse and worse about deactivating those tags and the beeping happens more and more.  Some stores also have security things in place when you want to try clothes on.  I was at one new store and I wanted to try on some pants but when I went to the dressing room the door was locked.  Some one saw me came over looked at my pants opened the door and then waited for me to come out to lock the door again and then check me out and made sure I had the pants in my hand.  It was quite embarrassing and could have been worse if I had unmentionables in my hand but fortunately I didn't.  Needless to say I never went back to that store.  Another thing is trying to buy a video game.  They keep them all locked up and if you want one you have to have someone, usually a 16 year old kid, unlock them for you and then they make you pay for it at the video game area and you cannot walk through the store with it and do more shopping.  One time I said I wanted to do more shopping and they said they would hold on to the game and I had to ask for it when I was ready to check out and then they would bring it to me.  Little did I know that it would take 10 minutes for someone to bring it to the register when I was ready.  In the meantime I am sure everyone in line was cursing my name for making them wait longer.  I once worked at a department store and I know what a big problem shoplifting is.  Although it seemed like half the people they caught actually worked at the store.  Despite it seems like stores all treat us like suspected thief's the minute we walk in the door even though we haven't done anything.  Whether it be security guards checking your receipt at the door when you leave, annoying beeping machines or locked dressing room doors.  I guess   I have learned to enjoy shopping online.  There are no lines.  Sometimes no taxes.  The selection and prices are usually better.  But best of all, no beeps, no 16 year old kids treating me like a crook and no dressing room cops.